Today has been - horrifying. That is about the only way I can describe it.
Kaylee cried all day. I can imagine that it hurt. Goodness knows that not only is her upper jaw killing her, plus teething, and now a piece of plastic shaping her nostril adds up to a lot of pain. For a four month old baby girl, I imagine that she thinks we are torturing her.
Not only has this been hard on Kaylee, I had my very first breakdown. I have never really had any kind of major breakdown. I mean, I never really got the "baby blues" or whatever it's called (those moments of random, spontaneous crying, etcetera). This is about what I would imagine the "baby blues" are. I mean, I cried when they told me what she was born with, but once I did a little research, and talked to a couple of grown ups who have a repaired cleft lip/palate I have been determined to be strong for my little girl. I have to be.
Today, I broke down sobbing. I cleaned her NAM and put it back in. She screamed, and cried and tried to put her hands in front of her face. All the while I am saying to myself and to her "it is ok. This is for your own good. Baby, I'm sorry. I know it hurts." Once I got it put in, she just screamed. Her face turned red, and she looked at me like I had been the meanest person in the world. All I am trying to do is be a good mommy.
She finally fell asleep. Now I am sitting here trying not to feel like the worst person in the world. I love my daughter and I feel like I am torturing her, to fix her. It needs to be done, but god does it hurt. Anyway, I just needed to get that off of my chest. I know that one day she is going to thank me for doing what I had to do to make sure that she has a normal life. I wish I didn't have to, but I do. And I will, until the day I die, I will.
Here is some cuteness to end our depressing post:
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| Her Squishy. Her Auntie Axhure made this (one of our WoW friends). |
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